amazing awful

As I sat in the car at the patient pick-up, waiting for my loved one to be brought out of the hospital, my mind was deep in thought over what I had just witnessed in the recovery room.  I wondered which family that had been in the surgical family waiting room with us was soon to find out that their loved one had died while they sat there, living life like everything was fine.  Maybe it was a risky but necessary surgery, maybe it was a routine procedure, maybe they knew it might happen, but maybe they thought their lives would be the same that afternoon as they were that morning.  

My heart grieved for them as I prayed, my heart grieved for the doctor that would be telling them, for the girl who sat at the desk and called out names of family members when their loved one's surgery was complete... that she would have to call their names as if everything was fine... maybe they don't tell that girl... I could never pull it off.  I thought about how easily it could have been us, how you just never know when your "See you later" is really a goodbye.

A car pulled up behind me and brought me out of my trance. I glanced in the rear view mirror at the young man behind the wheel and wondered who he was waiting for. I hoped he was there to fetch his brand new baby and sure enough, he was. I watched him gingerly put the car seat into the car and buckle it in, then I watched the nurse and his wife check to make sure he had done it right. They hugged the nurse and pulled away, on to their new life that will now be different than it was the day before.

My eye caught a teenager at the bus stop, headphones in his ears, dancing happily to the music as he waited.  Then a young woman in pink scrubs hurried past him, intent on a destination, with hair dyed to match her scrubs.  I couldn't help but smile. The sky was blue, the sun was out, the breeze was blowing. And then I saw the American flag on a pole, half of it tangled up around the pole while the other half waved freely in the breeze, and I thought it was a perfect example of America right now. Half the people have their shorts all twisted up while the other half are floating on air and I wondered if any of them know it's not always that great and it's not always that bad, it's only what you make it and you should do your best to make it great for others, not harder for them.

In the span of 5 minutes I witnessed life and death, felt joy and sorrow, saw pleasure in the waiting and haste in the tight schedule. I saw Americans bound and Americans free. In my grieving for this unknown family, there was still sunshine on my face. In the span of 5 minutes I suddenly saw how amazing and awful this world can be at the same moment, how joy and sorrow can exist at the same time, even in the same person, even in me.

grateful yet heartsick

As I sit here tonight drinking my tea, I realize that my hands have been shaking for a month now. Initially it was because my Thyroid meds were too high but then my husband left for an Alaskan fishing trip with our son and I was alone. Well, not alone really, I did have my pit bull and my guns! During the two weeks they were gone, my mother, who has dementia, made two trips to the ER, one for a fall and the second one for her heart. And while my mother was in the hospital in Traverse City, my sister overdosed in Indiana by eating a Fentanyl patch. After several doses of Narcan, she came back from the dead, literally. On the day my mom was moved into the nursing home, I was sitting on my sister's hospital bed crying. Grateful she was alive, angry over what she had done, angry that I was not there for our mom... Grateful yet heartsick. 

Mom got moved into the nursing home, hubby and son came home, sister got checked into rehab, Poppy is getting accustomed to being alone in the house and me, I'm working on getting used to the sights, sounds and smells of the nursing home... it's not easy. And just when I thought things might settle into their new normal, Hurricane Harvey came knocking on the door of my daughter's house on North Padre Island. Two days of long distance distress, a mother needing to be with her child but knowing there is no way possible... They are safe, their home was spared... Grateful, yet heartsick.

Did you know today is national dog day? I did but only because my facebook memories told me so. In honor of national dog day and in honor of just how much life sucks right now I suppose, my pit bull, who is always the picture of what a good dog should be, bit a child on the thigh. Of course he did! I am now one of "those" people. You know, the pit bull dog owners who are absolutely shocked after their dog bites someone and says, "But my dog would never hurt anyone". Apparently he will. Yup, there it is folks, so much to my shame. Thankfully, the little boy will be okay, it did not break the skin but he does have some bruising and his parents were so very gracious, much more gracious than we deserve... grateful yet heartsick

All these things, I can not yet find the words, other than grateful and heartsick, to describe my roller coaster of emotions. But I can tell you this though, when I have cried out to God over these things, sometimes from a heap on the floor, my words are concise and clear without hesitation or doubt. "I know that you love me and I trust you." well that and, "Please don't let this trembling in my hands be permanent!" One must always find laughter...

Sidenote: Keep all the crappy pit bull comments to yourself, I do not defend what my dog did, I make no excuses for it and I'm already heartsick enough.