grateful yet heartsick

As I sit here tonight drinking my tea, I realize that my hands have been shaking for a month now. Initially it was because my Thyroid meds were too high but then my husband left for an Alaskan fishing trip with our son and I was alone. Well, not alone really, I did have my pit bull and my guns! During the two weeks they were gone, my mother, who has dementia, made two trips to the ER, one for a fall and the second one for her heart. And while my mother was in the hospital in Traverse City, my sister overdosed in Indiana by eating a Fentanyl patch. After several doses of Narcan, she came back from the dead, literally. On the day my mom was moved into the nursing home, I was sitting on my sister's hospital bed crying. Grateful she was alive, angry over what she had done, angry that I was not there for our mom... Grateful yet heartsick. 

Mom got moved into the nursing home, hubby and son came home, sister got checked into rehab, Poppy is getting accustomed to being alone in the house and me, I'm working on getting used to the sights, sounds and smells of the nursing home... it's not easy. And just when I thought things might settle into their new normal, Hurricane Harvey came knocking on the door of my daughter's house on North Padre Island. Two days of long distance distress, a mother needing to be with her child but knowing there is no way possible... They are safe, their home was spared... Grateful, yet heartsick.

Did you know today is national dog day? I did but only because my facebook memories told me so. In honor of national dog day and in honor of just how much life sucks right now I suppose, my pit bull, who is always the picture of what a good dog should be, bit a child on the thigh. Of course he did! I am now one of "those" people. You know, the pit bull dog owners who are absolutely shocked after their dog bites someone and says, "But my dog would never hurt anyone". Apparently he will. Yup, there it is folks, so much to my shame. Thankfully, the little boy will be okay, it did not break the skin but he does have some bruising and his parents were so very gracious, much more gracious than we deserve... grateful yet heartsick

All these things, I can not yet find the words, other than grateful and heartsick, to describe my roller coaster of emotions. But I can tell you this though, when I have cried out to God over these things, sometimes from a heap on the floor, my words are concise and clear without hesitation or doubt. "I know that you love me and I trust you." well that and, "Please don't let this trembling in my hands be permanent!" One must always find laughter...

Sidenote: Keep all the crappy pit bull comments to yourself, I do not defend what my dog did, I make no excuses for it and I'm already heartsick enough.