Thursday, May 22, 2014

my mid-life something or other (It's only half past the point of oblivion)

Oh the angst of turning 50.  Not that the number itself is hard but the thought that half my life is over is! Obviously I'm planning on living until I'm 100.  Turning 40 was actually harder than turning 50, as far as numbers go and in reality, half my life was probably over back then.  Now 10 years later I find myself in a very strange place.  It's a place of joy yet sorrow, contentment yet dissatisfaction, frustration yet complacency, fear yet exhilaration.  I want to do a million things at once and I want to do nothing at all.  Lets face it, I'm tired.  Keeping the family zoo tame while trying to run a business and work outside the home has been, and still is, a tough job.  Life has been spent satisfying the tyranny of the urgent and now I find myself urgent.  The problem is, I'm a fearful girl.  I was out this morning taking some pictures and I came across this canoe paddle up in a tree and I couldn't help but see a correlation to that and my life.  At the age of 12 my dad died and it was as if someone threw me in a canoe and dumped me in the rapids without a paddle.  My life has rocketed down stream at lightening speed with me along for the ride and at the mercy of the elements.  I would be remiss if I didn't add here that the Lord has held me in the palm of His hand the entire time, always keeping me safe but sometimes that can be hard to see and feel.  God's motto is like that of a bottle of pink bubblegum medicine for earaches, SHAKE WELL BEFORE USE!  But as rapids and life go, you eventually reach a slower pace, a spot where you can get to the shore and take a breather.  On my shore, up in a tree, is a canoe paddle and I can hear God urging me to be brave and go get it.  I remind him of just how afraid I was last week while simply walking the shore, even the sound of the waves made me jump.  But he persists, "Go get it, I'm right here, I've got you, I've always had you."  Then I think "Pink" and while I'm not a Pink fan, and putting her words even in the same paragraph as God is sacrilegious, I'm (going out on a limb) and doing it anyhow. Her song Glitter In The Air has some words I'm quite fond of:   

Have you ever looked fear in the face and said I just don't care?

It's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg, the sun before the burn
The thunder before the lightning, and the breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?

It's only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table, the walk before the run
The breath before the kiss and the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself
Will it ever get better than tonight? ~  Pink

I think I'll go get that paddle...

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