I'm having one of those days. You know the kind of day I mean, right? I consider my self to be a 'glass is half full' kinda girl with a ready smile and laugh... both of which are genuine... But today, I'm just not cuttin' the mustard. How does this happen that you wake up on a bright and beautiful morning and life sucks? Maybe it's just that life always sucks and some days you can handle it better. I don't know... I don't think I really believe that. But there are just days when all that seems to flow from me is negative. Stupid stuff, like what's in my closet and how I look in it. I thought I might cheer myself up with a new outfit so I went to my favorite place in Beulah, Luna Boutique and I found a fantastic tunic by Tulip. I thought I would pair it with some leggings but as I looked through them they all seemed to be one size, that size being my sister in 6th grade. Of course I asked about this and was told, "oh they're great, they hold in your muffin top!" I love Mary but she has no idea just how much muffin top I have... Off to the dressing room I went and let me tell you, that was a workout. There is nothing like a pair of muffin stuffin' leggings to let you know you need to lose 20 pounds. (insert heavy sigh here). I hope when I wear them I don't have to pee much. I'm pretty sure I bought them for all the wrong reasons, like incentive to lose that 20 pounds, or an inability to walk out of the dressing room and admit defeat ~ seriously, I've never adhered to the one size fits all motto anyway so why in that moment did I feel like I had to. I love the way Anne Lamott puts it....
... so why did I not remember this?
Also, my ear lobes are getting wrinkled... seriously? my earlobes? and I still get pimples, and I need to color my hair... what does 20 years of hair color do to your scalp? am I going to get cancer and die? Oh and my legs, the same legs that so many years ago my young son described as chicken legs because they are "Skinny on the bottom and fat on the top.", yeah those legs... they're also hairy, but hey, shaving season is over in Northern Michigan right? I keep meaning to get to it, I just haven't had time because I'm chained to my desk trying to keep up with this 31 day writing challenge, two jobs, a house too big to keep clean, a mom with dementia, and adult kids trying to learn how to be adults. Who's got time for body hair and exercise? Oh, and after 8 months of not biting my nails, I shredded them ~ yep ~ gone. (insert second heavy, extended sigh here).
Now go back and read this all again only this time do it really fast and without any punctuation because then you will have a glimpse of 30 seconds in my mind.
I used to think I was never enough, but I have come to learn that I am too much. Can you imagine my poor husband? He comes through the door and I begin a run on sentence marathon. I'm too needy, too loud, too emotional, too uptight, too controlling, too OCD. I think too much, talk too much, need too much spotlight, I try to accomplish too much, make everything too easy for everyone else, try to be too perfect, set my goals too high, and mostly I'm too hard on myself... it's all just too much... in fact it's too much to list so these are just some highlights. I wear even me out and I'm too tired for this.
Deep inside, I have a need in my heart that goes unmet...
Delight yourself in the Lord
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4
... okay so... why hasn't it happened? Do God and I not agree on what the desire of my heart is? He knows my heart better than me. Have I not really delighted myself in him? Or is it that I just don't trust him to meet it the way I think it should be met. He knows the better solution but is waiting on me to submit... I am just too stubborn and so we wrestle on.
Every good story has a beginning, a middle and an end. Sorry, but this one doesn't have an end yet. The struggle is real and continual. I know that I need to remember I am beautiful in God's eyes and his are really the only ones that matter.
Anne Lamott also says...
I couldn't help but put it on this highly filtered picture of myself... so antithetical... filtered picture vs. be yourself and Chris vs. don't be afraid to be yourself. If you know me, well, you know me. I'm pretty real and I'm good with that. I open my mouth and my life falls out. The greatest act of courage for me is to trust God and accept that what I think I need might not be what I need at all.
This story was written as part of a 31 day writing challenge. To read more of my stories in the challenge, click on this link. Thanks!
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